Entry IV: This Lesson You'd Do Well Not To Forget

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, and I'll explain it all in the next few updates. For now, it's enough for me to tell you that I have a lot of free time on my hands now, and I've attempted to use it wisely.

Throughout the latest trials and such, I've grown a lot as a person, I think. In situations where I used to cringe and cower, I now have confidence. Where I used to hide behind cryptic words and vague metaphors, I now speak openly and relate obviously... though usually abstractly (because that's just what I do!).

Some lyrics by Thrice have been in my mind consistently throughout my situations. They come from the song Kings Upon the Main, from the first verse:

This lesson you'd do well not to forget:
Your life could be the one its wisdom saves
At sea when you're beleaguered and beset
On every side by strife of wind and waves

As life seemed to spiral out of my control, the thought came to me: I wasn't living my life. I was living life for other people. Maybe wonderful people, but people who remain just people, nonetheless. People that would make mistakes. Who would disappoint me. I was tired of living based on what people expected of me. I can't be perfect for everyone, and I don't know why I expected myself to be so.

Now, I don't even think of my relationships like that. No longer do I hang around people because I think they would want it - I'm there because I want it. No longer do I show that I care because I feel obligated to care, I want to care for people who are in pain, who are hurting. I guess that's one reason why I started writing this down: so that I could help those who, like me, aren't perfect.

I encourage you, now; don't forget that "your life could be the one its wisdom saves." It literally saved mine. As someone who was unquestionably suicidal, these lines mean a good deal to me. I know that may seem surprising to some, but it's true. And it's not the only issue that plagues me at this point, but again, more on that later. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. Through these past few weeks I discovered that I could either let life keep happening to me, or let myself live it, knowing that I would find both parts pain and beauty in it.

interlude i: an update

Thank you all for your prayers and support, they mean a good deal to me as I progress. The next thing I want to discuss hasn't fully matured in my mind yet, so I thought I'd drop this note to let you all know a bit of what has happened in the last week. It's been spring break here - I've been resting and thinking; more on that in the next post. School is starting up again tomorrow, and I'm thankful for it. On that note, please pray for me on Wed. at 3. I've got an important meeting that I need wisdom and courage for. Again, more on that later.

Right now, I'm just reflecting on all that has been given to me. I went to Apex Community Church last night, and it was quite a blessing. I'm hoping to go as long as I'm in Ohio. Near the end we sang "How He Loves Us." While I've heard this song several times in the past year, never has it been as real to me as it is now. Tonight, as I walked barefoot around the campus, the rain softly poured on me. I couldn't help but sing this song and think about the words as the damp cement passed beneath my feet. In those moments, I found myself in a freedom and peace that I'm not completely used to. I hope I never am.

I hope that I haven't loved this home too much; it's just a place. But it's the place where I found myself, where I found brothers and sisters, where I found God. I'm not sure where my place of habitation will be after this week, but I know that what will happen will happen. For now, I remain a student and a follower of Christ.

May you all find God's peace in some unforeseen way this week.