Entry II: I Will Trust You, 'Cause I Know What A Promise Can Do

These past few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me; I've been repeatedly faced with the consequences of my poor decisions. I worked through them by myself until the weight and pain got to be too much for me to handle. In my life, I've had several "conversion" experiences. Each seemed sincere, but every time I fell back into my old habits and my old life and old sin. About a year ago, I gave up completely on God, and planned on living this life in worthlessness. Never having fully trusted God, life didn't seem all of that different after that decision had been made.

Fast forward to now. It seemed like everything in my life was wrong. Bad decisions in my personal life were met with more bad decisions. Harsh consequences faced me. I knew that the path I walked led eventually to destruction. I knew that I stood at a fork in the path - I had to choose how I would spend the rest of my life. This remains the hardest decision I've had to make. After several days of thought and meditation, I knew what I would do - confess to what I'd done and deal with the consequences, knowing that God would be with me.

I had so many other, "easier," options that I could have gone with, but I choose the hard one because I knew that I wanted life. I wanted real life, not the facade I'd been living. I knew that the road before me would be painful and difficult, but I was assured that God would be with me.

I began my trek down this long, difficult road earlier this week. Already, I've faced difficulty after difficulty. If I were going through this alone, I know that I'd be broken right now, scattered at the wayside. But God has given me peace and grace unlike anything I've ever experienced. It is truly a "peace that passes all understanding."

Another song that has helped me through this time is Trust by Thrice. It's about the measure of trust that someone puts into what they love. Simply, love can be beautiful, but it can kill if both parties aren't careful. Basically, I chose to trust someone who will never fail me, and that in itself remains a beautiful and mysterious thing.