interlude ii: to remain silent

I doubt anyone will be reading this anymore, but I feel the need to at least give an update.

I'm well. I've decided not to continue writing here in this blog (if that wasn't obvious). Certain events have taken place and I no longer feel that I can truly express myself here. Take care and sleep well.

Entry IV: This Lesson You'd Do Well Not To Forget

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, and I'll explain it all in the next few updates. For now, it's enough for me to tell you that I have a lot of free time on my hands now, and I've attempted to use it wisely.

Throughout the latest trials and such, I've grown a lot as a person, I think. In situations where I used to cringe and cower, I now have confidence. Where I used to hide behind cryptic words and vague metaphors, I now speak openly and relate obviously... though usually abstractly (because that's just what I do!).

Some lyrics by Thrice have been in my mind consistently throughout my situations. They come from the song Kings Upon the Main, from the first verse:

This lesson you'd do well not to forget:
Your life could be the one its wisdom saves
At sea when you're beleaguered and beset
On every side by strife of wind and waves

As life seemed to spiral out of my control, the thought came to me: I wasn't living my life. I was living life for other people. Maybe wonderful people, but people who remain just people, nonetheless. People that would make mistakes. Who would disappoint me. I was tired of living based on what people expected of me. I can't be perfect for everyone, and I don't know why I expected myself to be so.

Now, I don't even think of my relationships like that. No longer do I hang around people because I think they would want it - I'm there because I want it. No longer do I show that I care because I feel obligated to care, I want to care for people who are in pain, who are hurting. I guess that's one reason why I started writing this down: so that I could help those who, like me, aren't perfect.

I encourage you, now; don't forget that "your life could be the one its wisdom saves." It literally saved mine. As someone who was unquestionably suicidal, these lines mean a good deal to me. I know that may seem surprising to some, but it's true. And it's not the only issue that plagues me at this point, but again, more on that later. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. Through these past few weeks I discovered that I could either let life keep happening to me, or let myself live it, knowing that I would find both parts pain and beauty in it.

interlude i: an update

Thank you all for your prayers and support, they mean a good deal to me as I progress. The next thing I want to discuss hasn't fully matured in my mind yet, so I thought I'd drop this note to let you all know a bit of what has happened in the last week. It's been spring break here - I've been resting and thinking; more on that in the next post. School is starting up again tomorrow, and I'm thankful for it. On that note, please pray for me on Wed. at 3. I've got an important meeting that I need wisdom and courage for. Again, more on that later.

Right now, I'm just reflecting on all that has been given to me. I went to Apex Community Church last night, and it was quite a blessing. I'm hoping to go as long as I'm in Ohio. Near the end we sang "How He Loves Us." While I've heard this song several times in the past year, never has it been as real to me as it is now. Tonight, as I walked barefoot around the campus, the rain softly poured on me. I couldn't help but sing this song and think about the words as the damp cement passed beneath my feet. In those moments, I found myself in a freedom and peace that I'm not completely used to. I hope I never am.

I hope that I haven't loved this home too much; it's just a place. But it's the place where I found myself, where I found brothers and sisters, where I found God. I'm not sure where my place of habitation will be after this week, but I know that what will happen will happen. For now, I remain a student and a follower of Christ.

May you all find God's peace in some unforeseen way this week.

Entry III: What Are We All Living For, IF Nothing's Worth Dying For?

I've talked a bit about my life thus far; most of the time I mention it with less than favorable words. I felt worthless, empty. After several years of living like this (though there were ups and downs throughout), I came to the realization that the only reason I remained alive was so that I wouldn't disappoint my friends and my family. As I said, I planned living the rest of my life in emptiness. Again and again, I would see people with purpose, and envy them for it.

Again, a Thrice song comes to mind (I'm sorry, I listen to them constantly). It's called Lullaby. The opening verse says this:

What are we all living for?
If nothing’s worth dying for tonight
Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love
That’s worth laying down my life

So often, I knew the point of these lyrics contained the thing I sought: love that was worth dying for.

I've been doing a lot of reading in scripture lately. Earlier this week, I came upon Ephesians 2. It starts out like this:

"1And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, 2in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.

3Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest."

This passage reminds me vividly of my former self - but that's not the end of their, nor my story.

"4But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,

5even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),

6and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,

7so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."

While that's amazing, the real surprise still comes about in the chapter. The author continues with:

"8For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;

9not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

10For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."

By grace! Grace! What a concept! A love so deep that I couldn't (and still can't) comprehend! I can do nothing to increase my grace, just accept God's gift. By accepting, I can then accomplish good works, though not for the purpose of favor, for the purpose of glorifying God.

I realize that this sounds a bit preachy and all (which I normally hate) but I think there's a time and place for it. Namely right now. I guess that what I'm trying to say through this all is that God can use you, no matter what you're going through, no matter what your past is. I'm going through the ringer right now, personally. But God is here, through it all. His gift has given me a purpose, to glorify Him. And he's given me a love that's worth dying for any day.

Entry II: I Will Trust You, 'Cause I Know What A Promise Can Do

These past few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me; I've been repeatedly faced with the consequences of my poor decisions. I worked through them by myself until the weight and pain got to be too much for me to handle. In my life, I've had several "conversion" experiences. Each seemed sincere, but every time I fell back into my old habits and my old life and old sin. About a year ago, I gave up completely on God, and planned on living this life in worthlessness. Never having fully trusted God, life didn't seem all of that different after that decision had been made.

Fast forward to now. It seemed like everything in my life was wrong. Bad decisions in my personal life were met with more bad decisions. Harsh consequences faced me. I knew that the path I walked led eventually to destruction. I knew that I stood at a fork in the path - I had to choose how I would spend the rest of my life. This remains the hardest decision I've had to make. After several days of thought and meditation, I knew what I would do - confess to what I'd done and deal with the consequences, knowing that God would be with me.

I had so many other, "easier," options that I could have gone with, but I choose the hard one because I knew that I wanted life. I wanted real life, not the facade I'd been living. I knew that the road before me would be painful and difficult, but I was assured that God would be with me.

I began my trek down this long, difficult road earlier this week. Already, I've faced difficulty after difficulty. If I were going through this alone, I know that I'd be broken right now, scattered at the wayside. But God has given me peace and grace unlike anything I've ever experienced. It is truly a "peace that passes all understanding."

Another song that has helped me through this time is Trust by Thrice. It's about the measure of trust that someone puts into what they love. Simply, love can be beautiful, but it can kill if both parties aren't careful. Basically, I chose to trust someone who will never fail me, and that in itself remains a beautiful and mysterious thing.

Entry I: Artist in the Ambulance

When the idea to write a blog popped into my head, I was surprised. Extremely surprised. I'm not the kind of person to write down musings and post said musings on the internet where any person can read them. The idea developed (as such ideas often do) in the back of my mind, whispering to my cerebral cortex. I tried to push it away forcefully, as again, I'm not that kind of person. I thought about it all day, and it seems like it will be a good idea for me to at least let someone know what's going on inside what used to be the locked cage of my mind.

Now, someone will ask the question of me: "if you're such a private person, why give your sorry and boring thoughts out to the rest of the world?" Good question! I'm glad you asked. The answer, in short, is that I no longer want to be a person who struggles on the inside; I'm sick of not trusting people. I know that there will be pain and hurt from what I say here, but that there will also be freedom in the truths that I want to say.

In the blog, I plan on discussing my personal life, in the hopes that I can reach out to other hurting people. I also wish to discuss culture with a critical eye - analyzing it for the sake of those that wish it to be analyzed. In time, I might also discuss things such as what I'm reading, writing, and thinking.

Before I end this message, I'd like to talk about two last things: my blogging name and the name of the blog. Both are derived from Thrice songs, and I'd like to talk a few seconds on why I chose them.

First, Artist in the Ambulance means a great deal to me. It's a song about an artist who has gotten in a car crash due to drinking and other bad decisions. The artist wakes up in an ambulance and knows that this could be "so much more than flashing lights and sound." In other words, this accident could be a symbol of a turning point in the artist's life. Having recently gone through an event similar to this, I feel a deep connection to the artist. This blog is meant to be a step that makes my situation become more than just flashing lights and sound.

Second, I chose the name "raise your ragged sail" because it is another symbol of where I think I'm at now. It's taken from a song called Kings Upon the Main. Thrice wrote it from the perspective of the waters of the Earth as a message to humanity. It simply says that nothing, no man or fleet, is secure upon the seas, even though many have tried. Most of the song continues almost as a warning to humanity against pride. However, the last two lines give hope to me: "But grace can still be found within the gale; with fear and reverence, raise your ragged sail." Because the waters in this song are such an unconquerable force, it reminds me of God, and the way we should interact with him. Not with pride and conceit, thinking that we can control God - but in fear and in reverence.

I may not have much anymore. I may be disgraced. I may be broken. But that's not going to change the fact that I must do what is right. Therefore, in fear and reverence, I raise my ragged sail and set out into the seas of life.